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Torn relationships
March 05, 2012
A friend who has been my greatest support in choir has gone to a better world where he would be happy. I guess we all ought to feel happy for him that he has found a better haven. But I'm sure all of us would be bound to be upset. Some of us show our unhappiness by writing on Facebook or twitter when we have no one else to talk to. I remember myself walking home alone and crying. I didn't know who to talk to. My friends were also upset. And I didn't want to worry my parents. So I wrote on fb. I didn't know it'll affect anyone cos others did write such stuff too.
I'm utterly disappointed. How you could put any guilt you have and express anger on us. I know I may not be as close to you. Diamond is just a name right.
I'm upset with trying to maintain relationships that are only one sided. I understand how it feels about being alone now. Noone would blame anyone about such tragedy from happening. And I'm sure gk won't blame anyone else too. But if you were to live with that guilt and causing others to be unhappy at the same time. Then it's not being very fair to others who are also unhappy about this.
That's all I have to say. And from now, I'm not going to try to salvage broken relationships. I just realised friendships are not as rosy as it seems. I'm misled by the fact and I wish to be alone from now. Because holding too much expectations from the other party would bring me greater disappointments.
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7:44 AM
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The need to document this moment of my life
February 14, 2012
I have never expected today's valentines day to be so memorable. This is the first time I've spent it with the guy I like, with him not knowing that I like him. I think that's the best thing. To love someone without expecting the person to love you back and also without him knowing about it. Im glad I could cover up my emotions well.
So today voices had fundraising events. Me and jiaying managed to sell 15 bottles of stickies whee!
Oh but there's nothing memorable about just that right. Actually the story goes. My fundraising shift was from 11-2 and zhiwen's was from 12-2! So it's like when he came around 12, I didn't know what to do and kept fiddling with my stuff like totally at a loss. I felt do awkward. But then he started to strike a convo with me. Like he came and ask me whether it was me who brought the stocks. And then after I pointed to jiaying beside me and said it was her who brought the stocks one, I expected the convo to ended. But he continued talking to me and us and ask us how he can promote the stickies and stuff. I dono if he was just being friendly or what but im already happy that we managed to break the ice and talk more.
Then after that zhiwen started to promote the stickies and angel clement said he wanted to compete with zhiwen to see who will sell the most. And to think jiaying actually turned around bd ask me who I think would win. And I couldn't answer her. One was my angel who has been really nice to me and another is the guy I've liked since last sem. What an awkward moment.
Then me and jiaying decided to get more stickies to go to canteen to sell. And when we came back, zhiwen actually came and ask me how many I managed to sell! So 细心! I'm so touched by it. I wonder if he knows how much I appreciate for him to command strike convos w me.
And the thing is that zhiwen actually told everyone im cute. Second time alr. But openly saying I'm cute to everyone obviously means he doesn't like me in that way. Just as that cute junior whom he hopes to befriend I guess. He reason why he said I was cute was because he said a joke but I took it for real. Omgosh. Haha so embarrassing but I like how he tells everyone how cute I am and naive to believe what he says. Zhiwen, I really believe you ma!
Then we actually had lect at 2pm at science. And I never ever expected us to take bus and go back science tgt! Never once did I think ill take the same bus as him and even sit next to him and chat so much! The saddest part was parting w each other and saying bye. I bet he doesn't know I purposely alighted one stop after my stop so that I could spend more time with him. I'm really lovelorn or sth right!
Zhiwen, Actually I've long wanted to forget you le but I just dono why I can't. Or maybe cos I've always been seeing you in voices so it's harder to forget. Please stick close to me and don't let my heart waver kay. Cos I can already see it wavering cos of him. I don't like to see myself like this. So I gonna wait for you no matter what k. Let's give ourselves more time to know each other more k.
See you next mon ;P
Happy valentines day! I didn't get to tell you this today <3
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11:22 PM
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Korean dramas never fail to make me think.
December 21, 2011
Finished secret garden today. I may be slow. But the time I watched is perfect cos the period filmed was 2011 Xmas period! But I learned alot from this film. How beautiful love is. To sacrifice a certain thing for the person you love the most. From hyunbin (Kim joo won) sacrificing his wealth, house and even his life for ha jo won (gil da rim) to darim's dad sacrificing his life to save joo won.
After watching it, I just felt his whole thing is all like a fantasy. I'm not being desperate here, but I've always longed for someone to be there for me like how joo won had been always there for da rim. Hmm, and it's always hard to find someone who's also willing to sacrifice something they had at first in exchange for something you would want. I guess the real world is not so beautiful.
Nevertheless I've always been thankful to this particular person, who brought me happiness and left me with treasured memories of 5 months. I'm glad that in that 5 months, I was able to experience true love and happiness. I was very fortunate actually. This guy was actually willing to sacrifice some stuff in order to be with me. Including quarreling with family and certain friends. I was really touched. And I've never blamed him for leaving me. Though the hurt was tremendous when he left. And when he could easily find another girl to replace me. However, I have always been thankful that he appeared in my life and became a very important part of my memories. He made me grew. Hanqian, although I did say thanks before, I just want to say again how grateful I am for bringing me memories I know I will never experience again in the future. Thanks for being my shoulder for me to cry and depend on. Thanks for crying for me cos you felt hurt that I was crying. I don't think I can ever find someone like you anymore.
Let alone finding someone like Kim joo won.
Ahh, what a fantasy. And tmr it's waking up to reality again.
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8:41 PM
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Charity fiesta 2011- operation hohoho
December 17, 2011
It was a great day doing a good deed to help the needy with great singing partner, fenni. We were happily singing silent night and jingle bells and we wish you a merry Xmas just to get more people to donate and it was a very failed attempt actually. Tons of rejection made us very depressed and disappointed and our mood was an all time low after like ard 2-3 hours. Legs were tired, voices strained but overall I had a fun time.
Until this exco ( I guess ) had to sarcastically ask us," so, you all didn't sell anything?!" like so so mean. Its not like we didn't put in effort into selling. We even tried singing. But there were so many other charity groups trying to get other people to make a donation and we have alr tried to sell as any candies as possible. Feel that our effort today had gone unappreciated. I think this woman who openly criticized us, really has no right to be a leader. I think leaders of various groups in nus don't live up to expectations and they don't earn respect. At least for what I've experienced.
Okay, I'm dead tired. I'm sure everyone who helped today is too! Good nights!
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12:08 AM
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#DubuOnewDay
December 13, 2011
Happy birthday onew!!!!
- From key and his girl (:
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11:23 PM
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Teaching as a career, Singing as a passion
Just finished my tuition assignment today. I hope it will turn out well since the last one that I took went off really bad.
Actually being a teacher though stressful, is such a nice thing. I can't wait to embark on the teaching journey though I know I'm going to be bound to be faced with headaches from th students.
Well, life hasn't been going really well. ESP regarding my cca. I don't really like it when people who claim to be musically passionate and talented to give such unproven claims and comments about the kpop genre. I don't expect everyone to follow the craze. But just like I don't go around putting mandarin pop down, I don't like you to openly put kpop down right infront of my face.
Since yesterday's voices comm meeting, I've been really emo about being so lousy in the cca. First, I can't sing. While everyone else sings really well and they join public performances and competitions which I don't even have the opportunity to. I feel so demoralized about trying to prove myself. Sometimes I wonder, can I really sing? Hmm I feel like ranting out to someone about it, but I don't think anyone would wanna hear me out about this. It may sound negative. But I feel like its about trying to improve and get better. I just dont like the way I'm put below others. So next tue audition is to prove my inconfidence down? and second, I don't have friends in voices. They speak in Chinese. And even the comm meeting is in Chinese. I can't seem to fit in though I'm trying really hard to. But if people there don't open up to me, how can I open up to them? ):
Sighs. Bad day yesterday ):
But my passion for singing is not gonna end like that.
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8:38 PM
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A day of tummy ache
December 11, 2011
Woke up with a tummy ache that has lingered since the night before. But the pain went off after I drank the usual milk I have to drink every morning. Guess huiyee is right, milk is a good cure for tummy aches or constipation.
Well, as I was alr lazy ard due to the pain, I couldn't do anything else but to listen to music. So I download albums and albums of Korean music from cnblue to Kara to apink. Hmm alr compiled iu songs into a cd so that I can put it into my cd player to replay bd reply whenever I feel like it.
And after music listening, it was more music listening and making (a little). Today marks my first lesson at hikari music school which Keeonn (a voices senior who has helped me and my believers much since we entered voices) the teacher has this huge speakers in his room and the sound system is tremendously loud. Once you blow into the speaker, even an ant can hear it! Keeonn can really sing v well and he helped to correct th other members there. Guess I can learn more under the care of these wonderful seniors. It was never a mistake to join voices! (at least for now).
Tmr marks the first committee meeting for emerge concert 2012. Zhiwen won't be there tmr cos he has reservice. To be honest, I couldn't remember his name for his moment. I haven't been thinking much of him these few days which I take it as a good thing too. Put less into things and you will have lesser expectations from it.
Awaiting a better tmr, ciaos (:
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11:48 PM
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